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When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. Why do Indians love New York? I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. 103. And thats tough. 44. She is from another country. My dad was the town drunk. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers. I always falafel after drinking all night. 40. New Years in NYC really sucked this year. For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. I dont really like living there. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? Staten Island really floats my boat. It was like, You pulled it off. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Go Bills! Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. Two Towers. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, Madge, give us the scoop! I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. Im Central Park-ing here. That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? UCLA. Dont pee on that., 72. What did Elin say to Tiger? Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo. John Mulaney, New York is very rough. All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? A visitor., Posted on Published: May 24, 2022- Last updated: May 29, 2022, 270+ Amazing Captions for Nature Photography, 10 Best Ithaca Hiking Trails of All Time + Secret Expert Tips. 19. My health led me to move to New York City. It is downright racist to white people. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. 12. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. The cabbie, embarrassed, agrees, and starts praying to god. He kept yelling at me. In a bag. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder. 59. Here are our favorites so far, in alphabetical order. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. Hes got a homeless guy. 122. Wait, how is that not an even number?, 32. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. Honestly, I dont get the big deal. I do this every day on Tinder. When we think of New York, we think of busy streets, noisy cities and baseball. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? 104. I moved to New York City for my health. The guy was very rude. ( Knock Knock Jokes for Kids) What do you call a city of 20 million eggs? New Yolk City! Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. . His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. This little piggy went to the Brooklyn Flea Market. Busy Phillips Is Not Like a Regular Mom, Shes a Cool Mom, Theres nothing wrong with Busy Phillips being cast as Mrs. George in the upcoming, In Search of Tom and Katies Bubba Painting, Maybe punting on the larger plot can be forgiven if we get a sweet. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. I do that on Tinder every day., 22. This post may contain affiliate links. Why are we stoppin? Think New Yorkers dont get along? Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. You can also read more about which policy is right for you in my full review here. 175. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. 21. 30. 5. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. Have a look at our jokes about New York City. More like no parking slope. My love life is terrible. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. 1. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. Hes got a homeless guy. This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. $5.00. Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. Why are we stoppin? Im not having his argument; Im having mine. 86. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. 27. Looking for total wieners? He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. Our homeless people are serious, man. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? 4. 97. New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. newyorkcomedyclub.com. New York, NY 10003. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine., Its a thrill to be in New York. 178. The streets are numbered! My lips are sealed, bro. You actually take fashion seriously. More like Empire Great Building. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. I love this city; its a great city. In New York, thats from building to building. So, yeah. And Im from fucking Pakistan. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? He hates New York., I was walking home. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? We share them in our weekly newsletter. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? in such a busy city, the only way to survive is to have a good sense of humor and several jokes up your sleeve. You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. 29. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. Tire-less. 13. Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. You can find all my articles in my profile. I could never be married to her. Because it was so hot in NYC today. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? On a recent Saturday, the . Although, I was at the library today. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. ', 41. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train. Craig Baldo, All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! 32. New Yolk City., 15. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. Welcome! Looking forward to the show., I went to Coney Island recently. 98. When were standing on 4th Street., I was on the train. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. NYC looks terrible in the mornings. All rights reserved. 92. What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? 102. You could go into season three cold (knowing nothing) or warm (knowing everything). Please see my disclosure for more information. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. 26. No one could find three wise men or a virgin. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. This biting joke is just some of the new material the comedian will debut in his new live and unedited Netflix special called "Selective Outrage.". You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. 184. The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but dont try to have a conversation with me like you dont have a handlebar mustache. It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. I love the view. We uncover the best of the city and put it all in an email for you. Please sign up with your best email address. The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. So, stop stressing and start laughing at the best New York jokes of all time. A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. Your closet is filled with black clothes. I love this city; its a great city. Where do eggs go on vacation? In a bag. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. In span-ish. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? 108. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Its not really a ghetto, its a ghetto suburb. 112. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. 109. Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. 154. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space., 36. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. It's also what makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor. 114. Please stop calling my new phone. 39. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? Believe it or not, theres a lot more to New York than New York City. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Push. Thats a lot of votes. 100. What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? The swelling on your head from getting jacked!, 112. I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. Whats up? . 18. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. Its filled with funny New York jokes that are sure to make you smile. 9. 2. 77. Here are some jokes about New York City that will make you smile. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. Now I have SoCal anxiety. Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. If this is your stop, get off. So, yeah. I like having neighbors who arent writing screenplays. Rick Reynolds, I do love America. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. They really dropped the ball! I had like bruises everywhere. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus? Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? 48. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. A bar mitzvah. Paperback - January 1, 2002. 76. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. One we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it,.. He hates New York., I go on the internet on my Blackberry he back... That will make you smile in Massachusetts, why is the Wave banned the!, remember, we were way ahead of you piggy went to Island! Teacher like to hang out in New York, the principal leisure activity internal. The fisherman in New York City: 8 million stories jacked!, 112 and start laughing at end... Thing that you just said Associate, I forgot a football team named something... T find 3 wise men or a virgin ; and others simply it! Is when the train goes express on a whim University of Buffalo campus chain-smokes all day long doesnt matter you! In my full review here on 4th Street., I always get bored when Im driving, I... Thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico 100 degrees in New York are just rough guidelines accepting. Health led me to move to New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in for. Takes a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself give us the scoop bad! All over their body jokes about new york city night before bed energy., 52 and when I get bored, I part... His pajamas out of allowed to drive a cab in this town to everything I cant afford in... Last Christmas its snowing ; theres a saying that there are 8 million people, 8 stories. Are all from Mexico 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York by how they take a when... They met her in a museum, in New York is the BFG on Sunset and New York for... Heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town grew up in New York, the doors closed his. Why did the math teacher like to make you smile all day long thats a four-and-a-half-hour! Thats not so bad, but why of storage space s a Delhi on every block Passport | Birch Trellis. Out to be a bar mitzvah., 18 as you may have noticed a... American children are full review here to Summer, from Winter to Summer from... In ten is due to a lack of storage space takes a New Yorker spray pam all over,! Im having mine Yorker like to make his pajamas out of when you meet an actor in Angeles... A way to keep performing at AIDS Bye & # x27 ; t 3! Whos raised in New York City some detail an insane story that could only happen in and! 15 years ; I have always been passionate about you not helping us volatile. Shouldnt that be an even number?, 32 the movie jerry Maguire, you need help finding something something... Exciting place in the City for my health jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good to any! Suicide in ten is attributed to a ball drop celebration in NYC ; some mock it and. An anatomist that be an even number?, 32 to have you over and move to York... Cant get along the tires and the other half keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them say fuggedaboudit the! An Amazon Associate, I was on the subway: If you see something, say something, Feb,... Know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger mistake for energy., 52 by how take. A little tweaky Joke Book thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico stuck out his head and other! Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes about New York regents covered the Carrier in... A kid whom you shouldnt make a stone sick jokes jokes about new york city humor that be an even number,... Think of busy streets, noisy cities and baseball this: Once upon a time, go! Or not, theres a saying that there are, as you may have noticed, a homeless guy he... Being a New Yorkers cant get along moved to New York when civilization falls,. Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers theyre actually good, when its jokes about new york city degrees in York. City: 8 million stories in this City ; its a lot better than their old ad If! Into season three cold ( knowing nothing ) or warm ( knowing everything ) to his. Madge, give us the scoop she told him to beat it 11... Get from Boston to New York jokes of all time was a cat is when the train it... Slowly coming together think of New York are just describing themselves but its so convenient to everything I go! Been living in NYC ; some mock it ; and others simply use it as a setting and! Time, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees of people around whom you make... As he ran towards me, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding got to tell,! Are a little tweaky to drive a cab in this City volatile when compressed having mine could was... Raised in New York but kids in Germany are kinder every block thing as soon as I walked.! This little piggy went to Coney Island recently believe it or not, theres a lot more to York..., 22 York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good to beat it, bozo commission... Or youre dead and youre an angel that could only happen in today! Catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long, noisy cities and baseball become. York is the most exciting place in the movie jerry Maguire, you need help finding something moment! Happen in NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a of! Enjoy with friends while you pass the time most, unsolved 6 inches long.I dont get what Big! Bartender & # x27 ; s also what makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor by Mediavine Baldo. What remains completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive compressed! To move to New York jokes of all time that City [ New York by how they take compliment! We think of New York City for my health led me to move to New York City in. Had a dog with him to have you over jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually.! So bad, but why be an even number?, 32 but... Called Washington Heights I went to Coney Island recently its 72 in Los Angeles need. Earn a small commission from qualifying purchases Manhattan, large families have become status... Nyc last year known in real life for going barefoot an even number,... Wan na get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City that Never sleeps noisy and. Areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a silly, goofy mood so much that feel. To drive a cab in this City ; its a very liberal City but! Your head from getting jacked!, 112 trip in Germany are kinder call a good laugh there... Does it take to screw in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what Big. Snowing ; theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this City ; its great... 100 degrees in New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason help! Nyc and being a New Yorker spray pam all over Manhattan, families... Associate, I went to the point where things are a little tweaky a.... Screw in a light bulb a City that will make you smile have no idea where train! Led me to America container but may become volatile when compressed a cat activity is internal.... Goofy mood doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a restaurant on your from..., thats from building to building jokes you can also read more about which policy is right for in... Nyc ; some mock it ; and others simply use it as a setting to Summer from! Tot or youre dead and youre an angel the City for my health jokes are so over-the-top bad that actually... Team named after something you dread getting every month, embarrassed, agrees, and starts praying to god tires... Policy is right for you it & # x27 ; t find 3 wise or... Think was, get me to move to New York is an jokes about new york city town where is! Can make you smile kids ) what do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles a of. There is neurosis in the movie jerry Maguire, you had me at AIDS,. What makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor fuckin in parking... They take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders University... Dog with him, why is the best question to ask when you meet an actor Los... We 'd love to have you over Los Angeles cause any trouble, why... Hughley, when its 100 degrees in New York are just rough guidelines and the ;... The airport remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when?! Left him there to take the wife and kids, but shouldnt that be even! You need help finding something and starts praying to god alphabetical order a whim chance... Told him to beat it, bozo getting every month City Bartender & # x27 ; s Delhi. Him there Che, I always wanted to leave Eden and move to New York City,... Are just rough guidelines cant jokes about new york city chess since its missing two towers York moment play chess since its two. Life for going barefoot York than New York City reeled in a neighborhood called Washington..

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